MY TOP FIVE BLOG OUTFITS OF THE DAY or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Embrace the Stigmata

1. FRENCH KISSING IN BIRMINGHAM

No, I’m not an escort offering some mild labial action on the streets of Birmingham but merely a Zoe-Karssen slogan jumper-wearing poseur trying to shoo the proletariat away from plain sight. Every common urchin on the street was trying to photobomb this lovely outfit shoot and I was determined not to let that happen. I love this look because a) I forgot to cut the tag off the jeans and was posing with a big tag hanging out of my derriere; b) I had to apply my makeup in River Island in the Bull Ring (I forgot to bring a mirror with me and most of my red lipstick ended up on an almond croissant from Pret) and by some wild fluke of nature, I didn’t look like a clown and c) these shoes gave me the stigmata for at least two weeks afterwards and I lorded (see what I did there) my divine status over my pedestrian friends, speaking only in parables for the full fortnight.

2. BLACK-VEILED BRIDE

Rest assured, I will NEVER again wear all black, dye the ‘two bits’ at the front of my hair pink or listen to the Linkin Park album on repeat. However, I challenged my inner emo for this outfit post and I must say it wasn’t awkward at all posing on top of the wall at Christ Church wearing a veiled beanie hat. I should have charged money for the spectacle. Retrospect is a great thing.

3. HIGH WAISTED HIJINKS 

My father, the bauld David Smith took these photos and likened my makeup scheme to a Japanese Noh artist. That is all.

4. GINGHAM GIRL

Probably my favourite of all the photo shoots, this was when I finally surrendered to the crop top trend and stayed away from carbs for a whole day. Cue the rage, the carb-starved, hangry, mind-numbing rage. Shortly after this picture was taken, I ate a badger. Raw.

5. MORE BANG FOR YOUR WANG

I like to think I’m single-handedly bringing back camel toe into the public arena with this leggings and crop top ensemble. Like most other thirty one year old women, I don’t believe that leggings are a legitimate form of pants but I also think pants shouldn’t be obligatory and that is that. Now can you all just pretend to think that my long top is a dress and forget about the oppression of pants. Just say no.