1. Never wear your jumpsuit with a bonnet
This may result in short-term popularity and bounteous suitors but it will ultimately end in pain. Deciphering those who love you only for your resemblance to Hayley Mills’ young Pollyanna and those who love you for you will be remarkably onerous and cause much chagrin and you are not equipped for such an arduous task. You are derived from royal stock or at least you inhabit that privileged place in your mental ramblings.
2. Always team your jumpsuit with some statement jewellery
Without a chunky-ass SOB of a necklace, you are like Zig without Zag, Laurel without Hardy, Cara without her brows, One Direction without Zayn. I’m channeling my inner Masai warrior here in this tribal piece. For the duration of this photo shoot which was so diligently shot by my beloved, I refused to speak anything but the Nilo-Saharan language of the Masais which I had learned exclusively for the public debut of my new necklace. Fear not, several minutes later after extensive research on the customs and rituals of the Masai people, I partook in a bovine sacrifice to the Gods. In other words, I ate at Rick’s.
If you’re going to wear shoes and they are certainly not a given, wear ones that will overtly emphasise the curvature of your spine and force you to amble around like you’re on meth or a bit kooky. It will make you seem more humble and humility, as we all know, is like a gateway drug to sartorial bliss. Irish dancing poker-back is out, bendy-backed non-narrative abstract movement is IN! Think Kermit the Frog doing a modern dance version of Pan’s Labyrinth and you’re on the right track.
4. Do NOT wear a bra.
Notice how the peekaboo detail on the back is uber revealing? A bra will ruin the illusion that you have no need for such restrictive elements of the patriarchy. Feminism should permeate every aspect of your life. Always. 5. Do leave a little room for a burrito baby.
You never know when you may get the hankering for some Boojum and your food foetus may want to do some gentle trampolining. You will need some room so I recommend going at least one size up in your jumpsuit.
Floral Jumpsuit: Abercrombie&Fitch, Reduced from €78 to €39. Currently in store or online here.
Necklace: Topshop, Reduced from €28 to €11.50, currently in store.
Rick’s Burger: approximately €6, €8 with chips and a drink.
Boojum Burrito: Optional.
Sacrificial cow: Not recommended.
Disclaimer: No animals were hurt during the making of this blog post. The photographer whose name I dare not speak is called Steven Paul Richardson and he is a fantastic kisser.